There are so many companies offering products that will tone you and help you lose weight without you having to do anything. It’s amazing that people fall for their ridiculous claims, some of which are so bad as to be laughable. So here is one that should bring a smile to your face. One satisfied user says he can feel it working on his abs:
Archive for category humorous stories
What Am I Missing?
Aug 4
I hate being so out of step with the world. Two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese. Yet one clothing manufacturer, Ann Taylor, still feels that taking a very slim model and letting her wear some clothes naturally makes her look what? Fat? Overweight? Plump, chunky, pudgy?
losing weight by retouching
So they retouch the natural picture digitally to reduce her hips and waist a few inches. What was wrong with the picture on the left? She looks good to me. You can see how much more space now exists between her arms and her body in the picture on the right.
No wonder women hate their bodies, thinking they are “fat” and are upset with what they see in the mirror. But does it really take such strong character to laugh at such idiocy by the marketing types? A part of me says that any women who looks like the model on the left and thinks she is too heavy deserves any grief she feels for wishing she looked like the cartoon on the right. What do you think?
Now here is the “sensational expose” of how this retouching was discovered.
Some sort of tech error on Ann Taylor’s website mistakenly revealed how the brand’s photos look before retouching. Jezebel first noticed the pics on Tuesday afternoon, explaining:
As the page loads, you’ll get to see what the Chiffon Trim Tank looks like on a real woman for a few seconds. Then she shrinks into a awkward creature barely able to support the weight of her torso with her tiny child hips.
By Tuesday night, the glitch, involving thumbnails and other terms beyond us, had been fixed. But we were able to take some screen grabs before Ann Taylor cleaned it up. Check out the before and after images of the “Chiffon Trim Tank,” an item from a set of Photoshopped pictures we’ve previously written about.
To be fair, at the time, Ann Taylor did apologize, saying, “We want to support and celebrate the natural beauty of women, and we apologize if in the process of retouching that was lost.” Now, we just know exactly what was lost: a few inches off of the model’s waist and thighs.
Jordan on top of Mt. Elbrus (highest in Europe) at age 10—7/11/07
The kid made it. Although he certainly sounds like a young man, rather than a boy. What an inspiration for those of us wanting to excel in any of our individual pursuits. You can read more about Jordan and see pictures of him in an earlier post. You can also visit his website, and watch the team’s progress as they climb down the mountain. One of the most adorable items in this latest story is that his FAVORITE good luck charm was a pair of kangaroo testicles. Wonder how heavy they are?
Also found an article from January 2009 that commented on Jordan: “… Jordan still needs to raise about $180,000 to complete these last three climbs, the bulk of which will go to Everest and Vinson. In order to raise the money, Jordan sells t-shirts and was recently awarded a Polartec Grant to help him in his quest.
You’ve got to hand it to the kid, he’s very dedicated to achieving his goal of becoming the youngest person to ever climb the Seven Summits, and he seems to really love being in the mountains.”
So the team behind and with him is really doing more than just walking up hills. It’s a huge logistical and fundraising effort.
By CARA ANNA, Associated Press Writer
Sat May 22, 5:16 am ET
BEIJING – A 13-year-old American boy became the youngest climber to reach the top of Mount Everest on Saturday, surpassing the previous record set by a 16-year-old Nepalese.
Jordan Romero called his mother by satellite phone from the summit of the world’s highest mountain, 29,035 feet (8,850 meters) above sea level. He is now one climb away from his quest to conquer the highest peaks on all seven continents.
“He says, ‘Mom, I’m calling you from the top of the world,’” Leigh Anne Drake told The Associated Press from California, where she had watched her son’s progress on a GPS tracker online.
“There were lots of tears and ‘I love you! I love you!’” Drake said. “I just told him to get his butt back home.”
The teenager with long curly hair — who climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa when he was 9 years old — says he was inspired by a painting in his school hallway of the seven continents’ highest summits.
“Every step I take is finally toward the biggest goal of my life, to stand on top of the world,” Jordan said earlier on his blog.
The former record for the youngest climber to scale Everest had been held by Temba Tsheri of Nepal. He reached the peak at age 16. Read the rest of this entry »
abs in Coldplay fake fragrance ad—4/1/10
Coldplay launch their own fragrance
April 1, 2010 9:00 am
Angst by Coldplay, available from today
We’re very pleased to announce that Coldplay have today launched their own exclusive fragrance, Angst by Coldplay.
“This is something we’ve wanted to do for a long time,” said the band’s frontman, Chris Martin. “People like to smell nice and we thought we could help them out.”
Martin was quick to point out that there are bigger and better scents available, but that the band are simply trying to make the best aroma they can, for their own pleasure. “If anyone else likes it,” he explained, “then that’s a bonus”.
The core ingredients of the scent are listed on the Brian Eno-designed bottles as sangre, sudor and lágrimas, all of which have been sourced from Fairtrade suppliers.
Angst by Coldplay is available from today, April 1st, in the Coldplay official store, priced at £42. Click here to order your bottle now.
…and when you go to the Coldplay merchandise store, the fragrance Angst is sold out.
Dressing For Spring Skiing
Mar 23
Some of you have asked about the weather in Canada. I heard it was going to be around 50 in the day and 20 at night and cool on the top of Mont Tremblant.
The first day I wore a long sleeve fleece under my ski jacket and was sweating like a horse.
The second day I wore a T-shirt under the ski jacket and saw a teen-ager wearing just a T-shirt. She said she wasn’t the least bit cold, although I zipped my jacket when the wind blew.
The third day I was really aware of how to dress, even though it was cloudy. I didn’t even have to zip up my jacket. Here is how I was skiing:
Spring skiing in Canada—3/18/10
Are you willing to take chances? I think I am. I’ve made investments in start-up companies, begun new books or magazines when I was a publisher, learned to ride a horse English-style at 50 and jump bareback at 52. I began serious tennis lessons at 65, and I’ve taken up squash for the first time when I was 68. But on the tennis court, I often play the safer shot and am gentler with my follow through for fear of hitting the ball too long. Then my opponent often smashes it back for a winner. No good. I must have more courage.
When it comes to food, I know people who order the same meals each time in restaurants. They admit that they are worried about not liking some unknown choice and are then stuck eating something they think tastes horrible. Or not eating it and wasting the money. And not reordering, and then going hungry. Or they don’t want to think about another decision, so they order what is familiar. A seven-day-a-week meat-eating friend told me proudly that he recently ordered trout for the first time and is now eating fish twice a week. He is in his mid-50’s.
These are little steps, but maybe they reveal bigger truths about who we are and how we play at sports and the rest of our lives. Yesterday I gambled and ordered the special appetizer the waitress had described, but not told me the price. As I said to the owner at the end of the meal, all the appetizers on the menu were around $10-13. Imagine my shock when the special one was $19! He said the waitress had made a mistake with the bill and insisted that the price should have been $17. But it certainly makes me leery about taking a chance again and ordering food blindly in his place. That price equaled the cost of some of the entrees. And I was unwilling to ask how much it cost before I ordered it. Too awkward for me.
Yesterday I also had another confront about my appearance. I have been playing many more hours of tennis and squash the past few months since my arm injury kept me from exercises in the gym. My upper-body muscles are gone or soft. I may be as fit as I was in the army at 21, when I ran five miles a day and jumped out of airplanes. But I look older. Of course I am older. So what’s my problem?
Well part of my goal in building muscle—and especially abs is to look “better”—and also younger. As I wrote in a previous post, millions of people reach for those goals by coloring their hair and undertaking plastic surgery. Very common and socially acceptable, although more for women than men.
graybeard Ira—2/1/10
But what the hell, you only live once. So tired of how gray my beard and remaining head hair had become, I went back to the hair salon for a cut and color. I was willing to take THAT chance, if not a riskier tennis swing or skiing down a steeper, black diamond trail.
What happened yesterday was a very funny development: the stylist tried a new color on my beard, and I ENDED UP LOOKING TOO YOUNG! This was a minor disaster, and she wasn’t sure how I was taking it and what to do about it. It was hilarious. My beard went from white to almost black. A clearly different color than the hair on my head. I was two-toned, like a tiger…well not that different. But anyone could tell.
the beard that still looks too young—2/12/10
This was a problem. I considered shaving it off on the spot. A friend at tennis had advised me to do that if I wanted to drop five or more years of appearance. I was almost at that point. I had taken the chance of a newer beard color, because the old one faded back to white weeks before my head hair. Now I was stuck. Of course it is only hair, it will fade in time, grow out, I am not a celebrity or going to job interviews. I am not dying. I will get through this. I will survive.
An hour later, after I learned more of what most women go through, after consultation with the owner of the salon, I had another paint brushing of bleach and coloring agent, and it didn’t look so bad. But I clearly looked more like when I was 20 years younger. And I have a picture to prove it.
my beard in 1980
The biggest problem is that I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. And I am sure other people are going to do triple takes when they see me. I will have to insist that, “I am not Chuck Norris.”
Now if I could only apply this gutsiness to my athletic pursuits, I’d be terrific. So many sports are mental games more than physical challenges. I have to take more risk…
…Ha Ha Ha Ha. I told you. Bumped into someone I work with for years—but hadn’t seen in three DAYS— and after her startled look at me, she asked if I was growing a beard! I had to tell her I have had the same beard for over 30 years, but that it was just darker than the last time we met.
Is that you Ira?
Is that you Ira?
Not to worry Ira; the only reason you felt uncomfortable with your new hair, and the possible clash with your beard, is that, subconsciously, your mind could not associate your “mature” looking hair with your 30ish’ body architecture. Images of you have caused such a sensation globally that the Web is now replete with illustrations such as the one here, fashioned – of course – after your new sculpted body. You have started a new trend Ira. Next, IRA’s Eatery, featuring Mussels Marinara.
Robert Doornick
These new Olympics sports can only be entered and watched by people over 17. Click on the pictures to see these videos:
Went hunting for pheasant twice last week. With a double-barreled, side-by-side, 1929 American-made (an L.C. Smith), 20-gauge shotgun that has art deco, large-leaf engravings. Five and a half hours walking in swamps, mud, cornfields, hayfields, woods, brooks and briars. Joyfully watching two friends’ dogs sniff and search for birds. There are now two pheasants and a quail in the freezer that I prepared for Thanksgiving dinner.
Ira, Blitz the German Shorthaired Pointer, and shotgun get the birds—11/10/09
Pheasants and quail caught for Thanksgiving dinner—11/10/09
Non-hunters can never know the glorious hearts of canine breeds that find those still and silent birds. These pets track bird scent with the grace of ballerinas and have almost inexhaustible energy. When close, some dogs freeze, point and wait for the bird to bolt…or the hunter to prod the prey into the air, where it rockets suddenly at 40 to 60 miles per hour. Hopefully a retrieval follows.
Other dogs, like my English Springer Spaniel, Bella, are flushers. They track and do the bump as well. You just have to keep them relatively near by, because the shotgun only has an effective range of 35 or 40 yards. The pointers can wander all over, maybe a football field away. Some will stay motionless with nose aiming at the pheasant for 20 minutes. Then the hunter has plenty of time to close in for the shot. But a flusher out of range is a real frustration. You just watch the birds fly away, and curse, and yell at your dog.
As I mentioned in my bird stocking post (http://www.irasabs.com/?p=2430), the pheasants have a much better chance than chickens raised for supermarkets. In fact on the second day, during four hours of hunting, my friend and I fired at five pheasants and a woodcock, but only took one pheasant home.
My English Springer Bella after a swim—6/11/08
Bella was lame for many months, so she hasn’t hunted for two years. She now seems healed. Hopefully we can search the fields together soon. She loves to romp and jump. She gets so excited when I take out the neck bell that helps me locate her as she scours the bushes and grasses. It is grown-up Hide and Seek.
For the birds the stakes are high. It is not a game. Yet they would probably not be alive in the first place if there weren’t hunting clubs eager to purchase them. Over 10 million pheasants are raised each year. It is an annual ritual anticipated by two million American hunters. These sportsmen welcome the challenge, the camaraderie, the preparation of the birds and the various recipes. My favorite way to cook pheasants is double-basted in raw eggs and flour, sauteed and topped with strawberry liqueur.
art deco shotgun engraving
I only learned to hunt as an adult after I moved from Manhattan to Connecticut in 1990. Read the rest of this entry »
Two Stomachs in Sweden
Oct 12
On the left is a statue in front of a castle of a guy and girl kissing. Obviously he is very stoned. No stupendous ab definition, but he is having a great time. On the right is a guy in the tunnel beneath the same castle. His abs are disappearing from lack of exercise, but he is also in Sweden having a great time…
stoned Swedish couple kissing passionately—10/10/09
how easily those abs disappear with dis-use—10/10/09
Buzz Cohn loves to ski and wrote the following:
My 45-year passion for skiing continues with at least annual trips out West—the last being to Copper Mountain in February 2009. In the 1980’s I attended a ski racing camp which sparked my interest in NASTAR racing & culminated in my receiving gold medals at 3 major resorts at the age of 52. [NASTAR (NAtional STAndard Race) racing is a program where recreational skiers of all ages and abilities can test their skills on courses set up at resorts.]
Ira asked me to write about some ski racing adventures. Since it’s more entertaining to hear about someone’s foibles than triumphs, I’ll relate three experiences under the categories of: My most embarrassing moment, The dumbest thing I ever did & Best unintentional put-down.
buzz cohn racing—1992
Most Embarrassing Moment: I was at the starting gate at the top of a NASTAR course. Wanting to achieve the shortest possible time, I decided to do what the “real racers” do in leaning forward, with my shins & feet most posterior so that they would be the last part of my body to trip the wand. The wand in turn would start the clock. An additional maneuver you’ve seen the pros use is to jump out of the gate to start acceleration. In performing the jump-start, I did it so forcibly that my boots came out of the ski bindings. I landed several feet from the starting gate, flat on my face in the snow with my skis still remaining in place behind the wand.
There were 15 to 20 racers in line behind me who were polite enough not to cheer or laugh. I quickly reconstituted my equipment & reduced self esteem, re-entered the starting position & began the descent through the course – this time being more than happy to sacrifice the 1-1.5 seconds a more aggressive start might have gained me.
Dumbest Thing I Ever Did: I was in Taos, NM during midweek & the only racer at the top of the NASTAR course. It was laid out in such a way that I could not see the course from the lift, nor the whole course from the top. I disobeyed the tenet of taking a slow, non-timed run beside the course to check it out. Every course I had been on before or since (& what you see on TV) levels off after the finish line or even goes uphill a little.
As I was feeling especially aggressive, I did a regular timed run initially, at full speed. Read the rest of this entry »
Easy Way To Make A Six-Pack
Jul 22
Here’s a good idea that shortcuts the path to my goal:
How to make a six-pack FAST!
smoking in your grave
A bit of cultural news for a welcome change:
Michelangelo's David
After a two-year loan to the United States,
Michelangelo’s David is being returned to Italy . . .
Ooops, look what happened in just two years
His Proud Sponsors were:
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Thirty-four” she replied.